Why do people get so uptight about ageing? Look at it in the right way, a fairground-mirror way, and it’s pure comedy.
In fact, when I’ve been through what I call ‘an ageing cluster’ (because contrary to popular belief, ageing doesn’t happen gradually but in clusters: nothing happens for months and then all of a sudden there’s a mass implosion), I have been known to fall about laughing in front of the mirror.
Of course, the hysterics tend to end in tears, floor-hammering and cries of ‘Whyyyyy?’ but you get my drift.
Jowls, however, are as unfunny as Italian game shows, replacement bus services and subsidence. They are basically human subsidence, but since I will never be prepared to excavate and rebuild my whole face (who has the money, and where would your soul reside while all that work was being done?), I launched a pre-emptive assault on Churchill-dog-face a decade ago using a miracle facial contouring device called NuFace.
This little gadget delivers such lifting results (after only five minutes of use a day) that if you ever fancy giving your friends a belly laugh, you could head down to the pub having done just one side of your face. No wonder it’s gone viral on TikTok - it gives buccal-fat removal results for considerably less investment and zero pain.
I hadn’t even contemplated trying anything else until I saw a newly taut-jawed friend who had just had her jowls blasted away with a non-invasive ultrasound treatment called Ultherapy at London’s renowned Cadogan Clinic. So off I went to consult the Cadogan’s Dr Maryam Zamani.
She had me at ‘non-invasive face lift’ and ‘zero downtime’ – but lost me again at ‘it feels like being gradually slightly electrocuted’. Still, definitely one to be filed away in the ‘when things get much worse’ category. And if there’s any hope of ending up looking like the ever-youthful Zamani, I’ll do whatever else she recommends. ‘In the end, it’s about investing in your face,’ she says. you can’t argue with that.
So where jowlage is concerned, you might want to consider making one of these investments…
5 best facial toning devices from high to low
These face-snatching devices are designed to snatch, lift and sculpt sagging faces.
LYMA Laser Starter Kit, £1999
Kim Kardashian’s facialist Joanna Czech is known for using two of these (one for each side of the face) on clients during her facials. Created in conjunction with scientists and doctors, this product harnesses medical grade laser technology that’s safe and effective to use at home, even on eyes. While it costs as much as a designer handbag, a fresh tight face never goes out of fashion. Just saying.
FACEGYM Pro EMS Facial Device £575
This product claims to tone the 40 facial muscles in the face with consistent results. With triple wave technology and diamond faceted probes, work along your jawline, forehead, cheeks, brows and under eyes for ten minutes a day and watch your face transform.
NuFace Trinity+ Starter Kit Smart Facial ~Toning Device £385
If you only buy one facial-toning appliance in your life, this viral gadget is the guy. I’ve been told Jane Fonda swears by the original and because it’s easy to use and only takes five minutes, it won’t end up in your unused gadget heap.
FOREO BEAR Facial Toning Device £223
Combining microcurrent technology with sonic pulsations, this cute looking device connects to an app on your phone which takes you through 5 toning facial treatments you can do at home.
Botanics Rose Quartz Gua Sha £15
Cost-of-living-crisis friendly, this ancient facial massage stone will give an instant temporary lift to the jaw and cheekbones while helping to drain the lymph and bring radiance to a sallow complexion.
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